How to Stop Self-Sabotaging in Relationships: Signs, Causes & What to Do

Ever felt pushed away from your partner over a minor argument when you finally felt a safe connection, and so did your partner? This is more common than it seems and doesn’t directly or portray the other as “evil”. The correct term would be that the latter has had unspoken wounds and issues that can silently creep out over the years when left untreated. One can shut down or may need constant reassurance with this loop of distance, being a fear of abandonment, which is very exhausting for both partners.

Sometimes people unintentionally damage the very relationships they want to protect, and if this sounds familiar, then you’re not alone. In this blog, you’ll learn to identify the source of many such behaviours and understand why they occur and keep reappearing.

What Signs Give Away Hidden Issues?

So many people don’t realise it’s common to have emotional patterns that reappear to protect themselves or the relationship without meaning any harm. Minor arguments over issues and the tendency to shut down, and a series of different coping mechanisms that tell you maybe this bond has gone far beyond saving.

This is one of the most subtle and common relationship issues around, and in the end, you become convinced that you’re either too much or not enough. Read this blog to understand what are the deeply rooted issues that are affecting you and your partner so much.

Reasons Why Healthy Relationships Can Feel Difficult

I have noticed over the past 18 years that some behaviours do not appear out of nowhere. They are born from deep wounds that happened early in the person’s life. For example, when a couple goes through a breakup, one may approach a practical coping mechanism, and the other may be more of an emotionally distressed mess.

The reason lies deeper than what most people can see. Here are some mentioned below that specialists refer to:

1)    Insecure Attachment usually shows up as either anxious attachment or as a desperate need for space because you fear being trapped.

2)    Fear of Abandonment gives rise to being left behind as a deep scar that forces you to run away before they can hurt you.

3)    Childhood trauma can condition your nervous system to expect criticism or rejection, which then tends to expect the same thing later in life.

4)    Low Self-worth shows up on times you don’t believe you’re worth a healthy relationship, and then you create instances to justify that belief.

5)    Rejection Sensitivity creates awareness of rejection, turns a simple delayed text into a terrifying threat and creates panic over a problem that is not even there.

Each of these hidden emotional topics has different ways of dealing with them.

The Role of Anxiety in Self-Sabotaging Relationships

It becomes difficult to identify hidden fears of a person, but when they start affecting a bond we actually care about, they become unavoidable. Anxiety shows up as a constant reminder that they are not enough, needing reassurance again and again, comparing themselves with others in their partner’s life, replaying a specific communication over and over again in their heads, and the habit of withdrawing after intimacy and closeness. These are major coping mechanisms that are overlooked and misunderstood by an anxious person’s partner.

With 18 years of experience in understanding the issues behind human and relationship conflicts, I have noticed that one client may constantly ask, “Are we okay?” Another disappears for days after an argument. Both of the two scenarios can look completely different and still rise from the same fear of intimacy.

What Comes After Identifying and Understanding The Issue

Working slowly on things like self-worth through small or big wins, as well as learning to set a boundary. Sometimes taking a small pause amidst a heated argument and a few deep breaths before reacting can help you escape a panic spiral. Many other habits can help you reshape the belief that you are worthy of your own love and a healthy bond.

It is very easy to assume that people just like to sabotage bonds. One thing that helps this repetitive habit is practising control.

Get the Expert Guidance You Require

Relationship conflict therapy can be the most helpful for you if these unhealthy cycles continue to occur. A licensed therapist can help you understand where these patterns started. Did any of the mentioned issues feel familiar? Book your first therapy appointment today because stopping relationship-damaging habits begins when you identify your triggers and understand that you can do something about them.